It’s all coming back to me now

A bleak, rainy October evening. There’s a certain chill in the air, so lazily, I get up and get a blanket. The apartment is empty, apart from me and my cat Cookie. She’s taking a nap, curled up beside me on the bed. She looks so serene, so precious. It’s been days since I sat at my computer and actually wrote something, but here I am today, my abandoned emotions forcing me to type. I am unsure of my feelings at the moment. Are they sad? Tired? Perplexed, or broken even? I remain unsure.

I stop for a moment to look at the window. I can hear the rain fall, I see the curtains dance to the wind, I feel this ambiguous romance in the atmosphere. But its too dark, too quiet tonight. Sleep? Insomnia has been haunting me since the past couple of days; my body grows tired, but my heart is restless. It won’t rest till it finds answers. The mind tries to explain that it already knows them and will reveal them but for a price; the heart does not listen. It is stubborn and proud. I let out a long sigh.

“When you lose someone, the first thing that  goes through your head is if you run fast enough, you might just catch up.

But it don’t work like that.”

A tear rolled down my lips. Maybe.

Cookie purred and I felt something tickle. She was licking my elbow; hungry, she was. I stroked her snow like fur and she purred again. Oh what bliss! I got up and brought her a bowl of milk. Kept it by the window.

I close my eyes and yesterday flashes before my eyes.

I remember returning home in the afternoon.

I remember how I had barely locked the door behind me than I started sobbing uncontrollably.

How I somehow reached my room and collapsed on the bed.

What followed were phone calls, some silent tears, confusion slowly dawning into realization, denial, unspoken confessions of affection and some inaudible whispers and tears predominating.

Then suddenly there was laughter, and there were smiles. The sound of a heart being shattered to pieces and another being broken, but done oh-so-graciously. Done with laughter, done with understanding. Done with love.

I open my eyes, they’re a tad bit moist. I could no longer hear the rain, I could no longer sense life around me. I felt like giving up. I just want to pick up the phone, dial a number and shout, “Don’t do this to me!” And then add a whisper, “Please?”

I block it out again. I look around the room, trying to find Cookie, but its too dark. I’d have to put on a light.

As I get up and do so, my phone rings.

I rush.


“Kemon achish,bol?” (Tell me,how are you?)  ..the same old voice. The same old tone. Only this time I did detect a tone of emergency.

Click. I disconnected.

I look around the room and I see Cookie’s bowl by the window, with the milk untouched! Where is she? I search and search the entire apartment. She’s too small to get out, I reason with myself…

 And then I did it. I confronted the truth. And I sobbed and sobbed. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I finally overcame the denial, a denial which grew so strong, it clouded my reality.

I put on a pair of slippers and walk downstairs, open the gate, close the gate and then walk to the lake nearby. I don’t stop till I reach a certain place, isolated, behind a few bushes and among some rocks. I sit there and from a nearby shrub, pick a small flower and lay it on the tiny grave.

Yesterday, I buried my little cat here.

Along with it, lay buried, unknown to me, my heart.

Do you believe in Life after Love?

Ipsita Kabiraj

Living life one book at a time :) Namasté.

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