A mind Studded with Illusions and Figments

Well, for the past many days, I have been wasting my time sitting in front of a computer editing useless stories one after the other, day in and day out. I have been trying extremely hard to correct them,to make them absolutely error free. But unfortunately for me, I haven’t been successful in my  attempts perhaps because recurring failures seem to have overpowered me. Failures?, Oh I beg your pardon. Actually, It is not a case of recurring failures that has let me down. When I had a closer look at this trauma, I realized that these failures have occurred largely because of  half hearted attempts. When I look at myself, I find myself stuck in troubled waters.

Having reached your doorstep, I stand with my head bowed. My request to you is:  be generous to me. Be generous to me so that I am able to fulfill my humanitarian duties. This world has started taking its toll on me and at this present moment, I find myself stranded. I am caught in the dichotomy, I find myself stuck a midst illusions and mirages. I find myself lost a midst shadows.

There are fires and flames burning in my heart and my fingers have started turning blueish. I am melting like wax. My footsteps are stuck and I cannot walk any further.An intense and unfulfilled desire to burn lurks out there on the  window.

Some tales are difficult to hide,and I haven’t been able to gather the courage to disclose and subjugate them either.Where in this whole world,should I go in order to persuade my heart?

My life, for a majority of its part, has been studded with illusions. Love, friendship,relief etc are all transient. It is extremely disheartening to see that like everything else, you too are an illusion, a mere mirage. But surprisingly, you are an illusion, which made me realize the truth.It was a truth which was hiding deep inside the mists of ignorance. The truth that I love you,the truth that won’t be able to live once you’re gone. 

I never befriended people for the fear that a day will come when all of them would leave me and I also knew that the moment they leave me alone,I won’t be able to withstand the pain of this weird yet inevitable disunion and estrangement.What a thunderclap that would be to my ears. It would certainly create a lot of silence a midst the cacophony.

Well, let me tell you that I have already become a stranger to my own self,for no one is mine. My heart tells me to befriend pain and ignominy. When I open my arms, only sadness comes and embraces me and in front of my eyes, calmness and placidity  collapse like a pack of cards.

I believe all of us are living in a state of acute insecurity my dear. Aren’t we?

All of us tend to run away from truth because people aren’t left with much acceptance power within themselves. Perhaps that is why we try to find escapes from the clutches of this world. We try to find relief in the smallest of moments. I guess, we try to find a refuge from reality and that is what I have been doing since the past  one week or so.

Well, illusions are far better than reality, at least for people like me  who have been running aimlessly without even knowing where to go. I am terribly exhausted my dear, I don’t know where to go as all possible roads seem to be heading towards the same destination i.e. loneliness and solitude. I’ve spent years in solitude and now it feels extremely suffocated to be alone.

At the end of it, I have something to say to you: Promise me you’ll never leave me and go away. Stay with me as long as I live. Tell me, what are you, a truth or a lie or just a figment of my imagination?

If you are a truth, I would run towards you and accept you the way you are, without even wanting to change you. If you are a lie, then I would walk away absolutely untouched by joy or sorrow. And if in the rarest of cases, You are a mere figment of my imagination, then I would love to spend  my entire life while being surrounded by figments and illusions, they are are better than the ugly reality which I’ve been subjected to over the years. In case I fail, I would then close my eyes and lie down in peace.

Being with you cleans off all sorts ugly little pressures,tensions and sorrows out of me,

It is like walking out of a long,dark dream into a sun filled day.


gulraj singh bedi

age 19 and single

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